Feeding My Thirst
by Pennatus
Summary: Vincent x Reeve. Reeve's POV. I made a promise to myself. A promise that I intend to keep, no matter how much it hurts me in the end.


Hmm.

Not bad, I'm thinking.

This was an attempt to branch out a bit from my slightly tedious writing style. First person from Reeve's POV. I know he acts a little OOC and spacey, but please stick with him. And no, I have nothing against Cloud x Vincent, but…well, think of poor Reeve, left out of the loop…

Hopefully soon I will have a sequel thing that will actually stand off on its own from Vincent's POV, also in this writing style. It will probably be titled _Thirsting for Food._ Or something like that.

Enjoy, and review! Thank you!

Disclaimer: I do not own Reeve, or Vincent, or Tifa, or Reno, or Cloud, or Final Fantasy VII, or Dirge of Cerberus. So there.

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(Reeve's POV)

I made a promise to myself.

Not that that's news or anything. I make promises to myself all the time, and sometimes I even keep them. It's rare, both that I make promises and that I keep them, but it happens.

This time, however, I'll keep this promise. I swear it to myself. I swear it on my life. I swear it on the man of my dreams.

Then again, maybe he's not the best person to swear on. After all, he's the reason I had to make a promise in the first place. He's the reason for everything. He's the reason I'm still alive. He's the reason this Planet is still alive. He's saved us all time and time again, and I am eternally grateful. I never knew, though, that the person who saved my life…

…could break my heart.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The weeks after Vincent's fight with Omega were exhausting for all of us. The WRO, even though most of our enemies were gone, was working as hard as ever to help the citizen's piece together their broken lives. Reno and Tifa and the rest of them were out on the streets, comforting the people as best they could.

Maybe I could've stopped it, if only I'd been there. Maybe it never would've happened. But it had. And maybes never got anyone anywhere.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

It was raining that night.

Nothing hard or overly dramatic. Just a light mist that coated everything and made tiny rainbows arch across the air where the street lamps turned on. Did I mention it was night? It was. Once again, nothing special, a darkening of the sky that happens at the end of every day. The day was so average, so forgettable. But it wouldn't be for long.

I felt it. It was an odd feeling. I knew they said that if something happened to someone close to you, you would know, but I didn't believe it. I didn't believe in a lot of things then. Now I know better.

It was indescribable, a rush of pure, sparkling joy mingled with sorrowing despair. I was stunned into silence, standing there, just letting that oxymoron wash over me. I wouldn't know what it was until later.

Sometimes I wish there never was a later.

The rain was cold when I stepped outside. It soaked through the clothes and the skin and the hair and the heart and made you feel like the cold was hanging off your very bones. As the rain hit my shoulders and my clothes grew heavy and damp I thought I'd never be warm again. I'm still not sure why I did it. I think it was to get rid of that strange premonition, but I can never be sure. Maybe I was hoping, just a little bit in the darkest part of my soul, that the night would finally swallow me. It didn't, of course. And I kind of doubt my death will be a natural one, with all the things I seem to get involved in one way or another.

For whatever reason, I stood out there for – honestly, I don't know. It could've been minutes or seconds or hours. I'm not sure. I'm unsure about a lot of things involving that night. It scares me, but I'm more grateful then scared of that numbness.

Cloud told me what happened the next day. Well, that's not entirely true. He walked up to me and said he was leaving. Couldn't handle being in one place too long, he confessed to me. He'd been traveling for too long to stop now.

Just like you, was my first thought. I always remembered how fidgety and antsy you were whenever you were penned up, when you were forced to stay in one place. You'd rather be out there, battling your way through a plague of monsters with your gun out and your eyes blazing then sitting somewhere safe. I only half understood that. I'd rather be doing _something_, it's true, but I was never any good with fighting. Not with a weapon, anyway.

There I go again. Always, always, my thoughts come back to him. I don't mind, and at the same time it tears me apart. I've never felt so many conflicting emotions before.

I was puzzled. Confused. Why would he leave so soon? Was he really that much of a free spirit? With these questions in mind I asked only one thing.

Why?

And Cloud replied with one simple word.

Vincent.

Simple? Ha. What nonsense. If there was ever a more complex man alive I have yet to meet him. I thought I understood him. I thought that I knew more then just a little about that enigmatic man in the red cloak.

I was wrong.

And that hurt.

Cloud was simply awake that night. He couldn't sleep. He went outside, stood in the rain, stared at the dusky clouds covering the sky, on that memorable night. He used that word, I remember. _Memorable._

Like he has any idea.

Vincent found him. A chance meeting, and encounter, perhaps something arranged by fate. Who knew? I certainly didn't. Needless to say, two men, alone in the misty rain with the darkness and their memories surrounding them…

Something clicked.

Something that I'd wanted to click for years, that had been the center of a lot of lonely nights, happened instantaneously between these two people.

It hurt.

It hurt so badly.

So Cloud and his new found lover were off to who knows where. Just wanted to be _together_, he said. Wanted to get to know each other. Wanted some time _alone_.

Jealousy.

That's what I was waiting for. I knew it would come. I was just waiting for it to set in, for my synapses to fire, and to feel that unfamiliar mix of anger and hatred and blinding rage. I waited, one second, two, patient, knowing it would come and just waiting, waiting, waiting.

It didn't come.

In fact, I'm still waiting.

What happened to me instead?

I smiled.

Because I didn't feel that terrible jealousy. The smile was partly relief. But I actually smiled…

Because I was _happy._

_Happy?_ my mind echoed, stupefied.

That's right. Happy.

The rest of me reeled form this realization. Why was I happy? What possible reason could I have to feel something even remotely close to happiness? Then it hit me, like a lightning bolt from out of nowhere.

I was happy…because _he_ was happy.

He'd been alone for so long. I knew what it felt like, to be alone, to have only yourself to share your thoughts with. It was torture. It was pain, longing, yearning so strong on my weaker nights it had consumed my mind and my body. It was something that, unless experienced, could never be described.

But now…now he had found someone. Someone to ease the pain, to repel the longing, to cast away the yearning forever more. Someone to share the tortuous nights with. Someone that shared the experience.

And that was why I smiled.

I'm not entirely sure what Cloud read off that smile, but he seemed to find acceptance in it. He smiled tentatively in return, and I knew as much as I wanted to blame him, I couldn't. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't even Vincent's fault. The only crime they were guilty of was falling in love. I knew that actually _could_ be a crime sometimes, but in this blonde's blue eyed gaze, it wasn't. No, I knew whose fault it really was.

Mine.

My fault for not accepting my feelings. My fault for denying the need to do anything. My fault for not opening up to him, for not, at the very least, sharing my feelings, just so he knew how I felt.

But I didn't tell.

And he didn't know. He doesn't know. He probably never will know.

I hesitated, then I settled a hand on Cloud's shoulder. I looked him straight in the eye. He looked back, coolly, used to meeting my gaze, but still nervous underneath the surface. And then I said something that I both regret and believe with my entire heart.

I'm happy for you.

I said it quietly, nothing big. Still, I could see the effect it had on Cloud, the reaction glinting sharply in his eyes.

Thank you, he said in return, just as quietly.

Still smiling, I released his shoulder and took a step back. He turned, paused, told me he'd tell Vincent I said hi, and left. Just like that. I've seen them a few times since then, together, and I know how much they care for each other. It wouldn't be that obvious to others. Tifa shoots them glares and grumbles about how they don't truly love each other. But she doesn't look hard enough. Love isn't just about kissing in public and staring into the other's eyes. It's about the little things – the subtle touching, the quick glances, gentle smiles and kind words. That shows how much you love a person. It has nothing to do with the presents and the kissing. It's something else entirely, something more base, something more…important. Still, I have my weak moments, where I wish it was me you were gazing at so lovingly, me you were holding, me you were whispering sweet words to, me you were traveling with and forgetting your troubles with, me, me, me, and not him, him, him.

And that's why I made a promise to myself.

I promise to always love him, no matter what.

Sounds simple, no?

I wish it was.

I remember the first day Vincent and Cloud left together. I punched a wall, over and over and over until my knuckles ached something fierce and the crimson drops of blood were falling to the ground. I stood there for moment. I cradled my hand close to my chest, not really feeling the pain, not really feeling anything.

And I started to laugh.

I laughed until tears streamed down my face. Then I realized that, somewhere along the way, that laughter, that amusement at my total stupidity and my cowardice, at my never ending love for this man who would was never mine, had turned to tears. Tears for my total stupidity. Tears for my cowardice. Tears for myself, for my failure to get the one thing in life I ever wanted. During those tears are when I had – when I have – my darkest thoughts. That's when the despair truly hits me. At one point, I wished for Cloud to die. I didn't care how. I just wanted him gone. Gone forever. Like my chances with my savior…and destroyer.

And I would take him in my arms, and I would comfort him. I would whisper words of love and kindness into his ears. He would look up slowly, tears glistening in his crimson eyes – the same color as the blood running down my hand – and he would stare, and I would move closer, closer, the distance lessening, my breath coming quicker, his pulse racing, and we would meet in a clash of heat and racing fire and it would perfect, perfect, oh so perfect –

No. No. Never. I can't. I can't think that way. I'm only making it worse. That would never happen. Or at least, I have to convince myself that it will never happen. Because I know that as long I have the tiniest sliver of hope residing in me these nights will never end. I will cry, cry, and then when I see you I will smile, smile. And on the cycle will go, until one or both of you are gone or, and this is more likely, I myself finally give in to something I know resides inside me, and I will be gone. I wonder, will you cry? Will your blonde lover cry? Will you cry because you know you should…

…or because you know you can?

Ah, it doesn't matter. You will live your life, in relative happiness, with Cloud and sometimes with me, and I will live my life, in relative happiness, while I watch you live your life. You will never realize how much I care for you. Maybe it's best this way. You deserve Cloud. Cloud deserves you. Me? Who do I deserve? No one as beautiful and perfect as you, certainly. You get what you deserve, I get what I deserve. Yes. Life will continue, and we will be swept inexorably on.

It's like…I'm trying to satiate my thirst with food. That's a terrible example, isn't it? But to me it fits. My thirst is for you, for your love, for your acceptance and beauty. Instead, I get your happiness, your contentedness – as I watch you with another. It is part of what I wanted, but somehow, it's just not quite the same. Always what I need, and never what I want. Or is it the other way around?

In a way, I'm glad you got together with Cloud. I'm still too nervous to talk about my feelings, feelings which you may have denied. Rejection hurts. If you ever looked at me with pity or remorse or anything even close to that in your eyes, I would die. Maybe not physically. But another part of me would die. Is always dying, now.

So, the promise. The promise to always love him. That's what matters now. That's why, no matter what, whenever I see you, I smile. That's why I keep my tears a secret. That's why I hide my real thoughts and hopes behind a solid steel wall. It's the reason for everything. Because pain to you is pain to me. And if that pain is from me in the first place, when I see it reflected in your eyes it will be magnified tenfold, and I will not be able to live with myself. So I will never do anything to hurt you. To this end, I wish for your safety and help you out in any possible way. To this end, I even encourage your love that I so desperately crave. To this end, I smile.

Because I love you.

I love you, Vincent Valentine.

And I _will _keep my promise.


End file.
